” There is both light and darkness within ourselves ”
I have not posted in a very long time, and this because in order to share my story with you I would need to first learn it. Healing has no deadlines or time frames. Healing happens every day, and I have a feeling this process will never stop for me.
So what I am trying to share with you today is what it is like to live with Narcissistic personality disorder and what it feels like to be on the other side. I know there is a lot of fear and stigma about the word narcissist and the behavior expected on someone labeled as such. But I want everyone to know that just like most things there are several degrees to this diagnosis and there is also a human side to this illness and not always is there a monster behind it.
So why do we fear narcissists? Is it because we often picture the extreme? Do we imagine a psycho-killer with ill intentions? To be fair those of course they exist but how about those who suffer from the mild symptoms? How about our family systems that have a narcissistic design? Our job structures, family dynamics our government design?
Narcissism is more of a part of our everyday lives than we dare to admit or even explore. For me, it has taken time to accept my diagnosis because I have been afraid that by accepting that I suffer from this disorder then it also means accepting that I have a permanent stain of badness that will never go away. Accepting this to me meant permanence and annihilation of any hope to ever be enough and in a way to attain perfection.
If you ever encounter someone who suffers from NPD, keep in mind that they are suffering inside. The world they grew up was cruel and often evil. No one is born cold and numb inside. We as children come to this world with an open heart and needs that when not met turn into deep wounds. This world we live in is lonely and sad. Pride is always a facade to cover the deep feeling of unworthiness and the fear of rejection.
Recovery has been a blessing to me. The more I connect with myself, the more I recognize that we as humans share a lot of similar wounds, so we are after all not so different from each other. Compassion is not only good for ourselves but also to keep in mind that there is a piece of us in everyone else.