I never realized as a child, but I suffered from a lot of anxiety from an early age. My survival was at the center of my existence and truthfully now that I am on the other side it is tough to shut off my defenses and enjoy my life as it is. Sometimes it feels as if parts of me still search and create threats to defend myself from.
Lately, I have become more aware of the protector parts of me, one of them being the inner critic.
This part comes around basically anytime that I am confronted with any sort of challenge whether small or life-changing, she will be there to encourage me, it just happens that her dialogue breaks me down to pieces and it’s hard to enjoy my existence.
I guess now more than ever I understand her purpose in my journey, the things she learned from our childhood and now the things I can teach her as an adult.
Through therapy, I have learned to see these “negative” parts of myself as very wounded yet loving parts within me that merely want the same things I do, although their intentions are pure, their execution turns out very painful.
Recently, I set a goal to learn how to drive, I have wanted this for a very long time, some of you might have heard me say it before, but I have wanted a jeep wrangler since the barbie jeep came out (yep, I am that old). I remember imagining myself driving it all over my yard! I would think about it every day.
Any time I am in front of the wheel this critical part comes out, she is violent in her speech and very disturbing in her insistence of trying to get me to get off the car and not even attempt. She tells me that I will fail, and although I succeed every time, it is still not enough for her.
Through her eyes I have always been ready for the worst outcome and have always been afraid of trying new things.
Through her thought process, I have been afraid to speak my mind and act upon my true desires cause she feels I have all to lose always.
She has been through the worse parts of my life as a child, and she knows first hand how much someone can hurt.
Today I have nothing but love and support for her recovery and introduction to this new world that I am a part of.
Today I want to honor everything she sacrificed to get me through this hell of a war my life had been.
Only if she could see how much love I have now. As this day approaches and her transformation becomes unavoidable, I will keep loving her and patiently be waiting.
Cheers to the warrior inside of me that today I get to call a Survivor and cheers to you too wherever you find yourself in your journey, it is still worth celebrating.