”Challenge the thoughts in your mind as they are not your reality.”
I have been MIA from the world I grew up with for over two years now. It feels like the only with isolation I could listen to the loud voices in my head. Only with time and patience, I started hearing and understanding what they needed, what they still need. I have been avoiding toxic environments, I consider myself to be in recovery, and I cannot allow myself to be around people and places that will make my anxieties worse.
It has been over 2 years since I last spoke to my brother, almost 2 years since I last talked to my dad and I do not recall the last time I have been around my family. I have hesitated opening up about my family in detail cause there are still parts of me attached to them. I still struggle to fully embrace my feelings, and with honesty, I can say I still care about their opinion, so this is why I have distanced. I have been building my strength day by day so I can gain a little bit more of me for me. Writing about my family puts me back on the outsider arena, right in the middle of the river going against the flow. I can almost imagine them reading this and accusing me of being a bad daughter, a terrible sister and probably an unwelcomed member of their club. But here is the thing, I was never a part of it, I was often the source of their enjoyment and the target of their attacks. I was in the middle of the tornado every day of my life. They are the reason why I cannot trust and the reason why my body clenches at the approach of people. I was on a battlefield my whole life, and I was never at peace.
I sacrificed so much that I became spent and tired so these days I have had to be a little bit more selfish and it makes me sad that those who never hurt me in any way are the ones receiving the bitter parts of me. It is overwhelming feeling so untrusting and paranoid all the time. It hurts knowing that I have love around, but I am hesitant to accept it. So here is my message for those whom the shoe fits: Fuck you. I do not want to be a part of you and your family anymore. I do not seek your approval nor do I need it. I relinquish my attachment to you and everything you represent. I accept every part of me without judgment, and I bow to honor my pure heart every day until I die. Once again, Fuck you and everything you are. Haha. Some things cannot be said with grace. It is okay they deserve it!!!
Here is my message for you today: Be happy, enjoy life and love the parts of you that make you feel unlovable cause they are the answer. Be brave enough to choose you and put yourself first. Be brave enough to tell those who matter how you feel and when you are ready, let go of everything that does not match who you are now and who you look forward to becoming in the future.