Conversations with my inner critic

       ”

I never realized as a child, but I suffered from a lot of anxiety from an early age. My survival was at the center of my existence and truthfully now that I am on the other side it is tough to shut off my defenses and enjoy my life as it is. Sometimes it feels as if parts of me still search and create threats to defend myself from.
Lately, I have become more aware of the protector parts of me, one of them being the inner critic.
This part comes around basically anytime that I am confronted with any sort of challenge whether small or life-changing, she will be there to encourage me, it just happens that her dialogue breaks me down to pieces and it’s hard to enjoy my existence.
I guess now more than ever I understand her purpose in my journey, the things she learned from our childhood and now the things I can teach her as an adult.
Through therapy, I have learned to see these “negative” parts of myself as very wounded yet loving parts within me that merely want the same things I do, although their intentions are pure, their execution turns out very painful.
Recently, I set a goal to learn how to drive, I have wanted this for a very long time, some of you might have heard me say it before, but I have wanted a jeep wrangler since the barbie jeep came out (yep, I am that old). I remember imagining myself driving it all over my yard! I would think about it every day.
Any time I am in front of the wheel this critical part comes out, she is violent in her speech and very disturbing in her insistence of trying to get me to get off the car and not even attempt. She tells me that I will fail, and although I succeed every time, it is still not enough for her.
Through her eyes I have always been ready for the worst outcome and have always been afraid of trying new things.
Through her thought process, I have been afraid to speak my mind and act upon my true desires cause she feels I have all to lose always.
She has been through the worse parts of my life as a child, and she knows first hand how much someone can hurt.
Today I have nothing but love and support for her recovery and introduction to this new world that I am a part of.
Today I want to honor everything she sacrificed to get me through this hell of a war my life had been.
Only if she could see how much love I have now. As this day approaches and her transformation becomes unavoidable, I will keep loving her and patiently be waiting.

Cheers to the warrior inside of me that today I get to call a Survivor and cheers to you too wherever you find yourself in your journey, it is still worth celebrating.

Dear Brother, Dear Sister

I would have given my life away for you. You were everything I dreamed of and everything you never were. I am not here to recriminate, not today but I do wonder how come you never loved me then.

I wonder what burdens your hearts carry and how come I never heard you speak of them. My memories of you seem distant maybe like the distance between us. Maybe today we barely speak or even speak at all but I do think about you both.

Brother, I remember the day you built that little house for me, it really meant a lot. You were always so crafty and always so smart. Just a boy with a lot to learn and little love in your life. But then you both decided to leave in the middle of the night, I always wondered if it was my fault at all? 

If I was the Chichi of the house how come I barely felt love from you, I battle the protectors inside me to admit that all I ever wanted was a loving family. I wonder do I remember correctly? Do I remember at all? Every part of me would like to tell a different story more days than not I fight to disconnect from myself not to feel the horrors I saw.

In this journey I am, I have left so much out, battling delusions and trying to protect your image. Maybe trying to protect myself from letting you both know how much I hurt. I trusted you both, I followed your steps like any little sister would. I wanted to be just like you the super heroes in my story but it turned out you were more like villains and I was a secondary character. So I just wonder why? If without explanations I was thrown on the sidelines.

I was the puppy that followed you around and you used for convenience, it is painful to know I had to protect from you. So almighty and untouchable, so powerful and out of reach.

This is a day of reckoning not so much for you but for me. I cannot protect your image from the pain I feel. You were executioners and I was the victim. 

You are the reason why I barely understand sibling dynamics. Loving families scare me to death and the sound of support sometimes drives me away.

Writing you this letter makes me want to cry but I try not to. You hurt me so much that I sometimes hate the idea of letting myself know you did have that reach. The trust that I put in you both and the sound of it breaking as the years passed.

I don’t trust myself enough and I keep a little critic in me that sounds just like you mocking my every action every day.

Dear Brother, Dear Sister… I am the creator of my story. 

Dear Brother, Dear Sister…. This is not about you anymore. 

Dear Brother, Dear Sister…

For once, I cannot think only about you.

Cutting ties!

”Challenge the thoughts in your mind as they are not your reality.”

IMG_7261

 

I have been MIA from the world I grew up with for over two years now. It feels like the only with isolation I could listen to the loud voices in my head. Only with time and patience, I started hearing and understanding what they needed, what they still need. I have been avoiding toxic environments, I consider myself to be in recovery, and I cannot allow myself to be around people and places that will make my anxieties worse.

It has been over 2 years since I last spoke to my brother, almost 2 years since I last talked to my dad and I do not recall the last time I have been around my family. I have hesitated opening up about my family in detail cause there are still parts of me attached to them. I still struggle to fully embrace my feelings, and with honesty, I can say I still care about their opinion, so this is why I have distanced. I have been building my strength day by day so I can gain a little bit more of me for me. Writing about my family puts me back on the outsider arena, right in the middle of the river going against the flow. I can almost imagine them reading this and accusing me of being a bad daughter, a terrible sister and probably an unwelcomed member of their club. But here is the thing, I was never a part of it, I was often the source of their enjoyment and the target of their attacks. I was in the middle of the tornado every day of my life. They are the reason why I cannot trust and the reason why my body clenches at the approach of people. I was on a battlefield my whole life, and I was never at peace.

I sacrificed so much that I became spent and tired so these days I have had to be a little bit more selfish and it makes me sad that those who never hurt me in any way are the ones receiving the bitter parts of me. It is overwhelming feeling so untrusting and paranoid all the time. It hurts knowing that I have love around, but I am hesitant to accept it. So here is my message for those whom the shoe fits: Fuck you. I do not want to be a part of you and your family anymore. I do not seek your approval nor do I need it. I relinquish my attachment to you and everything you represent. I accept every part of me without judgment, and I bow to honor my pure heart every day until I die. Once again, Fuck you and everything you are. Haha. Some things cannot be said with grace. It is okay they deserve it!!!

Here is my message for you today: Be happy, enjoy life and love the parts of you that make you feel unlovable cause they are the answer. Be brave enough to choose you and put yourself first.  Be brave enough to tell those who matter how you feel and when you are ready, let go of everything that does not match who you are now and who you look forward to becoming in the future.