The struggle has the answers!

ttee

”Being lonely is easy because being lonely is hard.”

I haven’t written in a while, why? Cause my life is full of excuses and insecurities. One of them is what people think of is who or what I am. I do not remember the last time I did not feel like this and although I want to live in a no fuck given kind of world. This is not as easy as said and done. I feel like I have a lot to share and a lot to teach, as well as a lot to learn and experience.  I think its time for me to move on from this victim and powerless mindset. I owe it to myself, I owe it to me, to be my own savior.

For the longest I have expected so much from the people around me, according to my therapist I have the emotional age of a young adult, I keep this on my mind all the time as I am afraid to repeat the same mistakes I committed in the past. I am constantly afraid to drive people away, I think about my last relationship. the amount of pressure I put on one individual to give, always give. never thinking or even knowing that all those things I expected from her I could and needed to give myself. So when the giving did not meet what I wanted, I left. I moved on and went to find the next source of love and protection. someone else to latch on and put my burdens on top of.

this burdens that were never met by my parents, see? this is the part I missed all along. the part I never knew. I have a void inside, it’s wide and deep like a vortex. I tried to fill it with people and things to own, or even places to go to but it has never worked. This vortex spins in all directions and today It is wrecking me inside, cause I am not giving it what it wants, I am giving it what it needs.

This process is painful for me because people pleasing is always a top concern, this idea that the more I give then, the more I get, the more I please then, the more valuable I become to others. And for a long time I have avoided talking about it cause the world I have lived in and grown up in does not tolerate this kind of honesty.

Forgetting the past and embracing the present does not come easy, I want to wear my insecurities as a badge of honor. Give to the little parts of me what was never given, Give to my hurt little girl inside what she never thought could come from the inside.

I know love is the cure, but I am so used to self-hating that this cycle is one hard one to break.