I have been looking to define myself for years, trying to create the perfect formula that would make up an acceptable version of me. My decisions have been shaped by the thought of what people would say or would think of my choices and the fear of their judgment and opinions. So I have been creating all these definitions of me in hopes to gain acceptance and prevent rejection. And what this has left me is a lot of anxiety and fear, a lot of unhappiness inside.
Cause although I have been fooling everyone, I have been not fooling myself and if I am not happy inside then what’s the point? Choosing not to be genuine just to gain love but in the end who they really love is not me but my projections and the character behind it. They love the mask I have put on every day.
I find it difficult to be real in this world cause it seems like since we are all wearing masks, we don’t really know who is there for you and who is just acting the way they are supposed to. I often see people around me acting their happiest then 5 minutes later telling me how miserable they feel.
I often feel like I need permission to express my feelings like I need some sort of green card to allow myself to be sad as if it were wrong to be angry and like a smile is all I need to show to the world. I feel like I have a long list of limiting beliefs I have picked up along the way and now it’s time for me to dump them. The question is how?
I did all this work over the years so I could fit in so I could be a part of something. All so I could belong somewhere, but I never have, never did and probably never will.
So here I am today reminiscing about the main needs my life has been lead by, validation, acceptance, understanding, love, and support. But in the world I grew up in I could not have any of those unless I changed and morphed, I could not have acceptance unless I confirmed with the system and that is what I am today: the costume and the mask I have worn for so long.
Transformation is right around the corner, I hear the bells and the birds and as I am leaving behind these toxic habits and all these things I am used to defining as. I am also leaving behind the person I have spent 29 years but barely know: “Myself.”