I am an organized mess!

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lately, I have been feeling like things are simply falling apart on me, I am not sure if this means I am in the worst place possible or simply at the right place in this healing process. After traveling to the Dominican Republic, I had more clarity to see the many things that need work in my life, a long time ago I learned to create a delusional story of what my reality should look like. I realized I barely have a connection with my mother and my father is far gone from a salvageable relationship.

My parents were the foundation of my existence, they formed everything I think of myself today, I have been scared to be more honest about them cause when I created this alternative reality in my head, my story was more poetic and far less tragic. It hurts to realize how little I had when it comes to emotional support but it also allows me to see how much compassion I need to give myself cause healing can be painful. I need to provide me with what They never offered.

I reminded myself today that the trauma I went through happened overnight and slowly, day by day so my healing process will evolve in the same manner, over time and with lots of patience and love to undo the damage.

This week I went to my first Support group meeting, I thought I would feel more empowered and proud of myself but all I feel is sadness. Being in a room filled with strangers with similar stories did not make me feel safe. It made me feel lonely, I wish I had someone holding my hand the moment I introduced myself and told everyone how scary it was to come forward. I wish healing was easier on the victim.

This weekend has been a hard one to deal with, I have always been a do-er and healing is not about doing, It is all about allowing. This is a challenging truth to accept when the pain hits, and it feels endless and timeless.

So Wherever you are on your journey… Be kind to yourself! This is my best advice to you.

 

 

4 thoughts on “I am an organized mess!

  1. I have been feeling the same way for the past months – despondent, lonely and ddepresse. I’m sorry that you are feeling this way and I can’t promise that it’ll be okay but I still hope that you feel better. Just know that there is something better waiting for you and there are people who love you. Don’t give up yet. Please keep going ❤

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    1. Thsnk you so much! I can tell you a lot has changed since I wrote this post. I feel better and life seems to be slowly shifting. I hope you continue fighting as well! Its so hard to overcome depression and the different challenges that come with it but we got this!!

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      1. That’s amazing! Yes, we’re going to continue to fight for sure. I’ve had depression for years now. It’s been very hard dealing with it but in many ways, I feel like I wouldn’t be the same person without it. It’s terrible, but it’s also a very essential part of who I am and I am grateful for that. I’m trying to see the good in it even though that sounds wrong in a way… There is no good but I’m just trying to be happy with who I am. I hope you can create that happiness for yourself too!

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