Your love saved me, Your departure broke my heart.

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” Dia de Los Muertos: a day to remember and honor those who no longer reside in this earthly plane, to show appreciation for the memories of those who we continue to love after death”

Two years ago, saying it out loud sounds like such a long time, but it also feels like it went by so quick. I have thought a lot of fall 2015, It was probably one of the most terrible years of my existence, I guess it was all tough love in a way. It was the beginning of the ultimate ending for me.

October 30th, I was about to embark on a trip I was not prepared to go on. My Grandmother whom I call Mamá was very ill, I did not want to be honest with myself, but she was dying, she was dying, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. The one person who never let me down no longer exist in her mind cause Alzheimer took her from me years ago and that had been in my mind too. I arrived home to the place where I grew up around 9pm, As I entered the house, a memory from the day I moved to NY comes to my head, she cried so much that day, She kissed and hugged me and the only words she could speak were: mi hija!  I knew how much she was suffered over my departure 5 years before this moment. Now I was the one staying, and she was the one leaving, except there wouldn’t be a comeback.

I get to the door, and I don’t want to go into the room. She lies in bed, and all I see is flesh and bones, she isn’t there anymore. I wished she’d call my name, I wanted her to hug me.

So many thoughts in my mind, so I cried. I couldn’t hold my tears. I couldn’t  stand the idea that this was goodbye for us, in my heart she was timeless, and so she remains, but her body was not. Her body had an expiration date, and this was it.

We were surrounded by a lot of people, but I needed us to be alone, one last moment together just us, like when I was a little girl. I held on to her hand, and I kept looking into her eyes. Maybe this is all a bad dream, perhaps she will wake up and laugh out of excitement to see me. I told her how much I loved and how I will miss her. I say to her in between my pain that I know she needs to go, although I couldn’t stop it. I wanted to be okay with it, but I couldn’t.  Please don’t leave me! I screamed inside my head, please remember me! Please talk to me please, please….. it’s me Your daughter.

Please if there is a God this is the time to prove it, don’t take her away from me!

I let go of her hand… I walked away… I kept running. I kept hiding.

I will never forget the last time I held your hand. I love you. I will miss you until the day I die, and we meet again.

 

Thank you for being my person.

2 thoughts on “Your love saved me, Your departure broke my heart.

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