A surprise trip to Toronto: A catalyst for change.

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I often talk about my life, and I mention the word Journey, I think of what this means and how important it is for me to tell my story. I have so much to share, and a lot to be grateful for. As I have mentioned before the past years have not been the easiest, there was a lot of change that was triggered 2 years ago before I even realized what I was about to learn about myself and the many discoveries along the way, about my past, my relationships and ultimately my life story. I do feel deeply for the pain I endured over the years, but now that it feels like I am in a better place and I can say, I would not choose it any other way. I don’t think any artist can genuinely create if not from a place of vulnerability and deep emotion, I could not be a writer without the scars I receive inspiration from.

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A few weeks ago my beautiful Partner planned a surprise for me, I think it has been one of the most meaningful gifts someone has ever given me. Beyond the material aspect of it. That trip changed and transformed a part of myself that needed to see and witness kindness, love but more importantly the manifestation and proof of talent I possess. 8 hours in another country, sounds far right? Not really it was one of the shortest flights I’ve taken, quite pleasant (for a plane ride, after all, I’d still choose teleportation if I could)

This experience was so impactful it felt like the person arriving at that airport in Toronto was not the same one to come back to NY.

 

We visited so many places, and I took decent pictures, We walked around Kensington market and enjoyed some great food and then (boom) my insecurities hit me,  All this anxiety and pressure put on myself to be perfect, to be more than what I am this moment, to try to impress others in a way to prove my worth.

If the motive behind my intentions is to be perfect every time, I will never be able to create from a place of the heart. So right before we exited a crystal shop, which I felt very drawn to,  This beautiful gigantic Crystal cluster seemed to call my name, I placed my hands on it, and  I felt the need to let go of the fear of not being good enough and the need to create perfection.

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The moment I embraced me and denounced the lies I had believed until that moment, it all changed, all the pictures I took after this moment were more honest and sincere, but more importantly, they were beautiful, they came from a place of creation and passion without an intent to prove anything.

In Toronto, I witnessed the magic of not trying to be and just being. This is an amazing gift triggered by the universe and delivered by my girlfriend, and I feel so blessed, so in sync with God. Not the God behind religions but the one behind Love and art, sexuality, and free expression.

For the past 3 weeks, I have been creating nonstop, it amazes me sometimes to look at my shots and think wow I did this? Wow!

18 years ago I was just a girl living in a small village without electricity, cable or internet. I dreamed of travel and music, but in my head, it seemed an unattainable dream. Today at age 28 I wake up to the life I never even allowed myself to dream cause it felt too impossible. Now I create my reality of endless possibilities and a higher purpose.

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So thank you Toronto but thank you, Amanda: The catalyst for positive change since October 28th, 2015.

Cheers!

Your love saved me, Your departure broke my heart.

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” Dia de Los Muertos: a day to remember and honor those who no longer reside in this earthly plane, to show appreciation for the memories of those who we continue to love after death”

Two years ago, saying it out loud sounds like such a long time, but it also feels like it went by so quick. I have thought a lot of fall 2015, It was probably one of the most terrible years of my existence, I guess it was all tough love in a way. It was the beginning of the ultimate ending for me.

October 30th, I was about to embark on a trip I was not prepared to go on. My Grandmother whom I call Mamá was very ill, I did not want to be honest with myself, but she was dying, she was dying, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. The one person who never let me down no longer exist in her mind cause Alzheimer took her from me years ago and that had been in my mind too. I arrived home to the place where I grew up around 9pm, As I entered the house, a memory from the day I moved to NY comes to my head, she cried so much that day, She kissed and hugged me and the only words she could speak were: mi hija!  I knew how much she was suffered over my departure 5 years before this moment. Now I was the one staying, and she was the one leaving, except there wouldn’t be a comeback.

I get to the door, and I don’t want to go into the room. She lies in bed, and all I see is flesh and bones, she isn’t there anymore. I wished she’d call my name, I wanted her to hug me.

So many thoughts in my mind, so I cried. I couldn’t hold my tears. I couldn’t  stand the idea that this was goodbye for us, in my heart she was timeless, and so she remains, but her body was not. Her body had an expiration date, and this was it.

We were surrounded by a lot of people, but I needed us to be alone, one last moment together just us, like when I was a little girl. I held on to her hand, and I kept looking into her eyes. Maybe this is all a bad dream, perhaps she will wake up and laugh out of excitement to see me. I told her how much I loved and how I will miss her. I say to her in between my pain that I know she needs to go, although I couldn’t stop it. I wanted to be okay with it, but I couldn’t.  Please don’t leave me! I screamed inside my head, please remember me! Please talk to me please, please….. it’s me Your daughter.

Please if there is a God this is the time to prove it, don’t take her away from me!

I let go of her hand… I walked away… I kept running. I kept hiding.

I will never forget the last time I held your hand. I love you. I will miss you until the day I die, and we meet again.

 

Thank you for being my person.